"i'm painfully antsy to start over. i'm incredibly sick of myself. reinvention and renewal time. that's what summer is for."

i quoted this before and again i am implimenting it in my life in, what hopefully will be a very significant way.

i'm quitting xanga.

i've decided to not leave you all hanging off the edge of your seats like i know you are right now, tears welling up in your eyes with the idea that i, nicole wilke, am quitting xanga! oh, how is this possible?! the horror!

so, no. instead of making this a quick gimmick for comments just to come back in two weeks and say "oh xanga i cant stay away from you" and make jokes about how it is an addiction or a lover or something, like most do, i'm going to give a real and true explainattion that i'm guessing most of you all wont even read, much less apply it to your own lives because i know for sure right here and now, that i'm going to make some good points at why xanga (and myspace and livejournal and all that other stuff) sucks. and then i'm going to actually follow through with my quitting and BLOCK xanga from my computer. because i know, just like all of you, that i'll want to return, but for reasons listed below, i wont allow myself because thats how dumb this is.

oh, and even dumber? the fact that i need to explain this all to you. really, this is just an explaination to myself, but since i've been sucked into this belief that all of you reading this actually care about what i'm thinking, i'm telling you.

xanga and (especially) myspace, are popularity contests. comments, friends, eprops and subscribers are all a way to show how popular you are, even if its just in this online community. i havent ever tried too hard to get comments but i still feel special inside when i get 15 comments or whatever. how lame is that?

very lame, thats what it is. i'm disillusioning myself i'm popular because people spend two seconds out of their day leaving me a lame comment. well, i'm going to stop right now. i'm not going to let another comment make me feel good about myself because deep inside i understand that it is stupid to feel good about it. because i know i'm not really popular. how many comments you get it equivalent to sending out invitations to your birthday party and seeing how many people come. since the second grade i've understood that i'll never be one of those people who gets a lot of people to come to my party. and if they do come, they wont be talking to me. and its not their fault, its mine. i know i dont have the aptitude for popularity, and i've slowly become fine with that. 

i'm barely even loveable. you dont meet me and automatically love me, like some people. my banner lies, it IS hard to love me even though i am just like you. so dont even bother trying. i've given up on wanting to be loved by the masses. or even by a small group. i have my select few that have the capacity in their hearts to love an unloveable bitch like me.

i'm embarassed to admit how much time i spend on this website. i've probably wasted a whole year of my life looking at stupid sites. there are a few pages that are worth my time to read, that are interesting or intelligent, but most arent. most are talking about your HILARIOUS inside jokes, or whatever you did that day or filled with stupid icons. whats the point of that? i shouldnt be spending my time looking at this. i could have painted a freaking masterpiece by now.

most importantly, xanga depresses me. being able to read the things that people find most important about their lives, being able to read their thoughts about others or themselves or see what they think is cool, thats depressing. its depressing to see that everyone is really all the same. there is nobody special or cool at all out there. everyone is just a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of someone really lame. everything everyone does is the same, nothing is new. every action has been done before, every opinion already been expressed. i cant stand all these people looking the same, pretending like they're different. i cant stand seeing people criticize all the others that look the same and acting like they're better than they are, when really they are just the same. you're all the same. we're all the same. its hard to decide whether that is comforting or distressing.

its all immature. all of it. i've wasted so much time here pretending i'm cool, watching you pretend you're cool. its a waste. i hope in the free time that i'm without xanga i will read more, i'll write more, i'll make new friends. the one thing i'm sad about is losing what little contact i had with certain people, how i may be losing out on a chance to make friends with people that i have no contact with besides through here. so, heres my final request on here. people like leah and kara and bailey and kayla and kathryn and laura and becca and sarah and others who i may not have mentioned but i'm sure you know who you are, please IM me sometime. i want to make more friends. and i think you're all real neat.

byebye.

(^^^^aka last attention whore picture)

so today at old navy, i got a sweatshirt very similar to clementine.

i'm almost out of words to describe how freaking cool that is.

so here i am, sitting on my hot ass, finally updating. pshaw, my life is far too busy for xanga! anyway. what a weekend i've been through.

i went to see blood brothers last night (aka saturday). justin clark and i drove up after eating tacos and i found five dollars on the stairs and saw lana. i got beer on my shoes and a bottle hit me (hard) on the shoulder. then justin and i had a sleepover, because we are kick ass. in the morning, we woke my brother up by throwing pillows at him because, again, we are kick ass.

ANYWAY. i swear i'm going to turn in some applications tomorrow. i swear. oh but wait, i have to prime my walls, so maybe not.

justin clark and i are going to have a moonlight picnic this week because (together, now) we are kick ass.

the amazing becca says: "i'm painfully antsy to start over. i'm incredibly sick of myself. reinvention and renewal time. that's what summer is for."

i totally agree. so here i am, the beginning of summer. new haircut, new (okay, not really, but i'll pretend for the sake of this point...(why does it look like i spelled sake wrong? did i?)...)boyfriend, and now i'm painting my room.

its this amazing project that i didnt really intend to be so large, but here i am, cleaning out my closet, moving crap around, and so on. i was vacuuming inside my closet tonight. man, it was gross. i was getting all sweaty and thought i should use the vacuum hose to suck the sweat off my forehead...i dont have bangs anymore. (that was a joke, how sad would that be if i vacuumed my hair out of my head? ughh)

anyway, i'm happy for this project, it gives me a lot to do during the boring times when my friends are at work (damn, this reminds me. turn in applications, nicole. no, seriously. i mean it. no, seriously. i'm gonna do it. no, i'm not) i can rip wallpaper off the wall like the loser that i am.

ripping wallpaper off is really addicting, i swear. its like a little challenge to see how much you can get off at one time....no, shut up. this needs to stop. now you're all making fun of me. dangit.

so tonight i'm sleeping in the basement, which will be wonderfully cool because my house is hot, and i have pretty much all furnishings in my room laying on my bed.

poo. i'm sorry this update sucked. i just thought i should inform everyone of this huge event in my life. after sixteen plus years of feeling out of place in my room, i finally get to change it and do what i want to it, two years before i leave it. oh well. its making me happy, its nice to know what i'm working up to, nice to know that all my trials have a satisfying endpoint.

i'm really getting sick of all those pictures in that post. i hate myself whenever i post pictures on here. i'm such an attention whore. *slaps whorey self*

overall, this weekend was awesome. go see madagascar. it is funny. not ridiculously so, but pretty funny. mmmm, lions. I got stuck at justin's house while there was a tornado. scary!